“People who lose their jobs in the recession are to be offered specialist counselling for depression and anxiety, it was revealed. Sufferers will be referred to psychotherapists using an advice network in Jobcentres, doctors’ surgeries and NHS Direct.”
The NHS will be besieged by newly-unemployed RecessionNutters, storming the hospitals.
Lemme in, my head’s fucked. I wanna see the MoneyNurse. Gimme a prescription for some money, lots of fucking money, just print me some up, you can do that, fifties’ll do. Let’s see now, there’s the electric, and the gas and the mortgage, fuck me, that bastard mortgage. And the car loan, and the holiday loan and the conservatory loan and the credit cards and the store cards. They said I could get sorted, down here, at the ‘ospickal. Does anybody here remember Vera Lynn?
Good morning customer, I’m Tracy and I’m your hastily trained personal psychobabbler. Just lie down here and I’ll try to help you put things in perspective……
When do I get the money prescription…..?
Well, you know, Sir, things may look horribly so-not-good for you just now and, indeed, in the infinite future but have you stopped to think of all the new schoolsanospitals built by the government………?
OK…I’ll give it a go……right, I’m thinking about them…….are these the ones we’re all gonna be paying for until the Crack of fucking Doom, these fucking PFI things……I don’t think it’s gonna help me, love, thinking about all this shit ….. I mean….. thieving fucking bastards again, innit, just like always.
Well. Alright, Sir, this is your session….Have you thought about all the new police officers out on the beat under NewLabour…..?
Thought about them?? Fucking thought about them? These are the bastards gonna order your head filled full of machine gun fucking bullets as part of their career development plan, got these nasty little things gonna wire you up to the National fucking Grid, get fucking sparks coming out of your fucking eyeballs, standing there jerking like a fucking spastic pissing yourself and smoke rising from your bollocks, fuck me, Community Unification Tasering Squads they call ‘em, Cunts. What’m I supposed to think about them? Whaddayou think about them….? D’you fancy getting sparked up like Blackpool fucking Illuminations ? When do we get to the bit about the money…?
Alright, Sir, but you can’t deny the three million new jobs created by the prime minister, Gordon Brown………
Aye, and the five million just going down the toilet, no more boom and fucking bust, he said, won’t let house prices rise out of control. Paid half a million for my fucker, worth sixty grand now, negative equity ? I’m so fucking negative I blow all the fucking fuses in the house. Three million jobs ? Slinging Have a nice fucking day hamburgers and stacking shelves down Tesco, Every little fucking helps. Doesn’t help me, three million shit jobs. Are you gonna gimme some fucking money or what. Or is this just more government bollocks ?If I was a banker, you’d be fucking burying me in fucking money……
Well, actually, Sir, this initiative isn’t about money….
Not about fucking money? Well what the fuck is it about, then…..?
It’s about helping you identify inner resources to help you cope with this minor hiccup in your fortunes and which started in America and is not the fault of the prime minister….
Oh, yeah…?
….but the fault of the sub-primesters in the US and elsewhere, only not here…
I thought coming down here it was about getting some fucking money like the fucking bankers…..
And giving you an opportunity to talk about having no money…
Talk about it ? Not bad enough just not having it ? Got baillifs kicking the doors in. Race riots outside. Food riots round the fucking corner . And you want me to talk about not having any fucking money, what’s the point of that…?……
And we give you this free book by Doctor Raj Peraud, off the telly, Skint, Bankrupt and Homeless, Strategies for Coping……..
But no money…….?
Actually, yes, no money…..all been burnt, you see, I just get luncheon vouchers, myself, fancy a cup of tea, no milk, mind, or sugar. It’s the right thing. For hard-working families, no milk or sugar…..