Mr & Ms Schmidt
All rise.
Okay whaddayagot for me this morning. Mr Prosecutor ?
Number one on your list, Sir. Mr Timney
Timney ? You mean the wanker.
The, ah, wanker, Sir, that’s correct.
This is the guy married to someone famous ?
The, ah, home seckatry,Sir.
You’re shitting me ? Right?
No, Sir, sorry Sir, the very same…..
The UK home seckatry, used to cook in the school up the road ??? The lardball??
Ms Schmidt, Sir.
Fuck me, he’s married to the home fucking seckatry. And it says here that this porn, these was five pounds a go shit, not one pound fifty like I, I mean as other people pay. Five pounds? What was this shit ? Gorillas ? I seen some a that Gorilla porn, Jeez, they must need some handling, some feeding, too. Can understand how that’d cost a fiver. So there you was, wanking over that Gorilla shit, not very nice, and the Court takes a dim view, and what happens, the Old Bill arrive?
No, Sir, it wasn’t like that. The accused was trying to claim the cost of the Gorilla filth, through his wife’s parliamentary expenses, he was actually wanting the home office to buy him his porn. He was wanking, really, your worship, in our faces; yours and mine.
He was fucking well what? He was having a Jay Arthur all over you and me? The dirty fucking bastard. He’s going away, the fucking degenerate bastard. I never heard shit like this. Twenty years on this Bench and I never heard a no bastard getting his rocks off over interspecies porn and dumping his load in the taxpayer kisser. He’s a beardy nonce, isn’t he. He looks the type. He’s pleading guilty, I take it?
Well, Sir, he was caught with his trousers down round his ankles, so there’s not much else he can do.
You, Timney, you fucking arsehole. Anything to say before you go to jail.
Yes, your worship, if I can just read to the Court from this letter I write to the Redditch Advertiser every week……….Frau Schmidt is an excellent constituency MP and me and our children have never met her, she lives in a broom cupboard in London, working hard for the people of Redditch, the stupid fucking bastards. I would ask you to have some mercy on me because I am a serial offender and the taxpayer will pay back all the money which me and Frau Schmidt have stolen from him over the years. Will I get SkyFilth Movies in prison ?