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GOVERNMENT TO CONSOLIDATE ALL ITS DEBTS INTO ONE LOW MONTHLY PAYMENT
THE Treasury is to relax its rules on borrowing after seeing a television advert featuring Carol Vorderman. Officials are examining how they can adapt the fiscal rules set in place by Gordon Brown over a decade ago, allowing them to pay off existing debts and borrow more, all at one low, low rate of interest. The government is expected to secure the loan against the Royal Navy, Princess Anne and the Falkland Islands.
A senior Treasury source said: “We weren’t sure until the permanent secretary stressed that it was Carol Vorderman. “He pointed out she was incredibly good at maths and then showed us some highlights from Countdown.
“Two, three, five, nine, 75 and 100 – and she still comes up with 684. Frankly, I couldn’t have been more gobsmacked if she had turned herself into a chicken.”
With tax receipts forecast to fall next year, the government believes a consolidation loan can help it to ease everyday money worries and treat itself to a ride-on lawnmower and a trip to the Grand Canyon.
The source added: “And if there’s anything left over we’ll use it to bribe the shit out of everyone just before the next election