I notice that Her Majesty’s Government has recently published your expenses as my MP.
After much scrutiny, I notice that you have grabbed £xxxxx from my wallet for “the cost of staying away from your main home”. You fat idle cunt! You only live xx miles from fucking Parliament! I know deaf, dumb and blind people who commute further than that every day on filthy lice ridden trains whilst dodging hooded knife wielding scrotes! As you are away so often and I’m paying for it, I am going to seduce your wife and daughters. Up their arses. With a handful of sand.
I also notice that you spend £xxxx of my hard earned money on “staff”. Considering I hear from you once every four years, might I ask as to exactly what I am paying them for? I realise there is a good chance they are your nephew or cousin but nevertheless, they could get a job washing cars or mopping up vomit in McDonalds if they want to spend their gap year “doing” Asia to “find themselves”.
Your Comms allowance is also £xxxxx. What the fuck? Have you launched your own satellite? Why the hell do need that much money to tell me what I can already read about you on a piece of used bog paper?
In total, you cost me £xxxxxx a bastard year. Enough to pay off my mortgage. You BASTARD.
So. As you are my employee and all your “staff” are my employees, and you are spending all my fucking money, I am coming round to “quantatively ease” your fingers off my fucking wallet with a sledgehammer.
Love and kisses