Then I’ll begin.
Not content with being quiet and having a few days off over Christmas, Gummint ministers and Pravda have decided to micromanage your Winterfest activities to remind you who is boss.
Ministers are warning about the dangers of gravy “exploding” in microwaves as they seek to cut the 80,000 accidents which happen in homes each Christmas.
A safety leaflet also warns of “tipsy guests crashing to the floor when they miss their seat at the dinner table”.
About 150,000 of the Advent calendar-style leaflets are being handed out.
Minister Delyth Morgan said the aim was to remind people “of the small but important things parents can do” to avoid “a trip to the hospital”.
The children’s minister added: “The leaflet we’ve produced this Christmas will act as a reminder of the small but important things parents can do around the home to make sure Christmas is a time for fun and laughter, not tears.”
The leaflet – called ‘Tis the Season to be Careful – gives advice such as not leaving dregs of alcohol in glasses and also tells parents to be careful with candles and games with small pieces.
And it also warns that injuries in people’s homes at Christmas can include people cutting themselves with knives in the rush to open presents and children riding new bikes into walls.
It also warns of “gravy exploding in microwave ovens, hot fat spilled on the cook trying to grapple with a big turkey and nasty cuts when chopping piles of vegetables”.
A safety leaflet also warns of “tipsy guests crashing to the floor when they miss their seat at the dinner table”.
About 150,000 of the Advent calendar-style leaflets are being handed out.
Minister Delyth Morgan said the aim was to remind people “of the small but important things parents can do” to avoid “a trip to the hospital”.
The children’s minister added: “The leaflet we’ve produced this Christmas will act as a reminder of the small but important things parents can do around the home to make sure Christmas is a time for fun and laughter, not tears.”
The leaflet – called ‘Tis the Season to be Careful – gives advice such as not leaving dregs of alcohol in glasses and also tells parents to be careful with candles and games with small pieces.
And it also warns that injuries in people’s homes at Christmas can include people cutting themselves with knives in the rush to open presents and children riding new bikes into walls.
It also warns of “gravy exploding in microwave ovens, hot fat spilled on the cook trying to grapple with a big turkey and nasty cuts when chopping piles of vegetables”.
How about this BBC and the Gummint? Just fuck off, mind your own fucking business and stop telling me what to fucking do, you cunts? Just for that, I am going to spend Christmas teaching my kids to juggle knives whilst smoking.
Bastards
UPDATE: It is not snow falling on your screen. It is flakes of skin and dried knob cheese falling from the tiny cock of Derek Draper as he furiously “stabs the cat” whilst reading my blog. Thank you