9 year Chlamidya from Maidstone said “what utter cack. It’s bastard freezing here. None of the reindeer can actually fly and that bearded cunt smells of vodka. Most of the elves are taller than me.”
Outside, a bleak landscape greeted the heartbroken youngsters. Fir trees, snow drifts and no McDonalds made what was supposed to be a trip of a lifetime into a nightmare for parents
“It’s a nightmare” said a parent.
“I mean, we spent loads. The last thing I want to see is little Euphrates shivering in minus 20 temperatures. They should build a dome over it and heat it up a bit. Like the Eden Project thing. The food was shit too. Loganberry juice and reindeer stew may be what the locals eat, but if you come this far, you want to see gingerbread houses made out of real gingerbread for the kids to eat” said Barry Duckfucker, a lorry driver from Hastings. “And the bastards speak funny. Even Santa is a fucking foreigner. They all drive 4X4’s, Volvos and skimobiles, not proper fucking sledges with bells and stuff. We did like the Sauna though and have made some great friends with people from Wolverhampton in there, but you can hardly expect the kids to enjoy girl on girl sweaty action, can you? We had to leave them outside throwing snow at each other and building snowmen. That’s not entertainment is it?”
Disgruntled parents moaning in a sauna, yesterday, whilst their children were forced to stay outside.