Stanislav’s Sunday Telly

DIMBLES, TELLING IT LIKE IT IS

Good evening and tonight we are in, oh fuck, I dunno, some historic hall or other and on tonight’s panel is Tony McNutter, a loathsome doctrinaire authoritarian bully and another thieving fucking bastard, also Labour’s Obedience minister of whom it was once said that he had a face like an arse and a voice to match, viewers and indeed the studio audience here can make up its or should I say their own mind about that but I know what I think….

Billy Bragg is a musician, of sorts, if that’s what you call the noise he makes with that shitty cheap electric guitar, not that it would matter if he was playing a ten grand Gibson Les Paul as I believe they are known in the trade, I don’t but then I’m just the Chairman and a millionaire publisher, all those desperate little local rags, Bugles and Advertisers and Couriers, own ‘em all I do, my ah so-called brother Jonathan may well hobnob with the Prince of Wales but I have the money. And the connections. An occasional columnist with the Daily Bizzarograph where he writes on stupid white man issues with a condescension rendered all the more breathtaking by his own fathomless vacuity, Billy Bragg is considered an expert on the couple of infantile songs with endless variations written if that’s the word by the legendary, shiftless, drunken wife-beater Woody Guthrie and considers himself a cross between Wat Tyler and Bob Dylan although he is nothing but an atonal mouthy Cockney phony.

Next to him is David Aaronovitch, a man with literary London’s most miniscule and bizarrely trimmed tuft of facial hair; he thinks, as is the way with these things, that this ridiculous affectation obscures the quivering jowls and multiple chins which so advertise the level of his heart attack gluttony and idleness even though, quite obviously, it doesn’t and couldn’t. David writes for the Times because everybody else hates him, as do I and so I suspect will the viewers by the end of the programme.

For the Liberal Democrats, Mr Tavish McHooter, from one of those dreadful barren islands full of inbred, six-toed, accordion-squeezing mutants, is the new leader in Scotland, Mr McHooter is famed throughout Scotland for the size of his nose, maybe its quite startling enlargement being due to his compulsion to open his mouth and put his foot deeply inside it, Ear, Nose and Throat specialists of my acquaintance say that this cannot but have a deleterious effect on the proboscis although, prying, Liberal Democratesque, into people’s business, it may have its uses, the nose of course and not the party.

Mad Melanie Phillips of the Simon Wiesenthal Organisation completes tonight’s panel. Melanie is a journalist and broadcaster although it must be said that her stock in trade consists of saying, very belligerently. Any Fucking Bastard Who Disagrees With Me is a Nazi; once, famously, on the BBC’s Moral Maze programme she bit the nose off a member of the Salvation Army, mistaking him for a member of the Adolf Hitler Brigade of the Waffen SS. That’s our panel, ladies and gentlemen and you, the studio audience, chosen from many applicants to come on here to clap like penguins and be ignored, have supplied tonight’s questions, even though the production team have excluded any real ones, many of you are teachers and your major qualification for being here at all is that you stupidly think that this exercise in empty-headedness is something to do with democracy and not, as it is, pure showbusiness, no better than EastEnders

First one is from Mr Henley Beauregarde….Yes…. that’s you…in the boilersuit…Yes ?

…….I’m sorry, Mr Beauregarde, can you speak English???

it’s David actually…

David……

Mr Beauregarde, your question ?

Well, who should go first …… Minister????

Well, David, at times like this what the country needs is firm leadership, someone ready to take the actions needed to burn all the money and to make sure that any future money comes from the presses wrapped around firelighters and soaked in petrol, only not mine of course which I quite properly receive for having a cup of tea now and again with my parents in their house and which at some tens of thousands of pounds represents very good value for the taxpayer…..

The question, Minister, was about immigration, or nig-nogs as the questioner put it….

And I am proud to belong to a government of arsonists and not like the party opposite, Mr Deputy Spunker, who would simply sit on their hands, do nothing and let the fire go out……..

Melanie Phillips Rosenberg ben Flamethrower ? You’re not going to bite me, are you, I’ll call security……..

No, David, I’m not going to bite you but as I was saying in the Daily Shite the Palestinians should be bulldozed into the sea by nice bright yellow kosher bulldozers, then and only then will we put a stop to all these Moslem bastards coming in here and fucking our women with their bendy, uncircumscribed cocks, Oi vay, it’s simply the only response that a decent society can make to the Holocaust, is bomb all the wog schools in the Middle East and anyone who disagrees with me is a fucking Nazi, my husband’s a lawyer you know, sort of……….

Thank you…….and Billy Bragg ???

Well, David, This land is your land, mate, this land is my land but mainly the primary concern oughta be for the disenfranchised white working clarse male, who, fankfully, don’t live nowhere near my country ‘ouse an’ better not come nowhere near me, the chippy bastard, I mean I’m ‘appy to write about ‘im but, fuck me, don’t wanna ‘ave ‘im comin’ round me gaff while I’m playing me folk music…..

Thank you and David Beard, what do they think about these things down at the Times madeupnewsandfilth dotcom ?

Well, of course, as I say in my new best selling book of sharp observations Why I Am A Cunt And A Bully , Granite-headed fascists and Stalinists in Britain or Australia will jib at the idea of carrying an identity card, whereas the milkiest liberals in Germany, France and Portugal – where they actually lived under occupation or totalitarianism – think nothing of it, so I think that deals with Mt Beauregatrde’s hidden agenda, and rather more elegantly than have my competitors, nit that I have any; frankly, I can’t wait to have my ID card, Drop kick me, Jehovah through the detention centre doors of Life…

Thank you and finally Tavish McHooter

well David, Vince Cable’s been saying for years…..

Thank you and sadly that’s all we have time for tonight, Next week’s Question Time comes from some other fucking school or college, why we can’t have them in some elegant country hotel staffed by horsey totty, I simply do not know and on the panel will be Old Mother Hatterjee, socialist peer, so bring your umbrellas and mackintoshes; writer, scientist polymath and pisshead, professor Richard Dawkins, author of Worship Me, Not God. The Daily Telegraph’s Great Purple-faced Heffer and some other mouthy cunt yet to be chosen. Thank you for watching me and you can watch me again, immediateley on some other BBC platform……portal??? Whatever, as we now say, from me and this gang of riff-raff, Goodnight.